The Synergy Game - A Journey From Death to Life
Chapter 8 - Circle of Strength: The Unseen Bonds of Friendship
This is my book The Synergy Game. I am serialising it here a chapter a week. Each chapter will be available for everyone to read because, after all, that’s why I’ve written it, to help others, to share what has helped me to rebuild my life. I will be adding extra insights, sharing my poetry and adding audio to a section below for paying members.
Chapter 8 - Circle of Strength: The Unseen Bonds of Friendship
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, 'What! You too? I thought I was the only one.” - C.S. Lewis
For so many years I did have a very good marriage. Much better than most of the others I saw. We were each other’s best friend, and we did everything together.
Over the years I had a lot of friends. We lived all over the world, so I had friends in many different countries. I won't go so far as to say that I took them for granted, but I didn't ever feel like I needed them in my life as much as I needed my husband. They were a sort of add-on.
I was fortunate enough to have some very close friendships, mostly when my girls were little. Mothers bonding, that sort of thing. We needed each other for support and for a chance to hang out with adults as we were all stay at home mums. I didn't consciously think to myself that I needed them, but I was so very grateful for them.
However, as my daughters grew up and started to have their own lives, my husband and I started to travel more and spend more time with just each other.
We ran a business together too, so it really was a 24/7 relationship and for many years it worked wonderfully. Until it didn't!
In the years between my girls being little and growing up my friendships had gone from hanging out with other mums, to doing things as couples because the girls were now old enough to not need babysitters, we could go for meals and drinks and movies with other couples.
This was lovely, but I don't think I really formed any very close friendships during that time. It was more about having fun and hanging out.
When my world fell apart and I realised that my marriage was over, one of the first thoughts that came to me once I could actually think again, was that I needed my friends like never before or I would not survive this.
It was then I realised how many friends I had. Friends that I had kept in touch with sporadically over the years because we didn't live in the same country anymore, and friends that I had local to me and everything in between.
I am the sort of person that is not very good at asking for help. It's usually a last resort.
If I'm feeling like it's the worst day of my life and someone asks me how I am, I'll say, great, I'm fine, yeah thanks.
But there was a voice inside of me that said, swallow your pride and reach out, you need this like never before.
So, I did. I messaged all my friends in the USA, Egypt, Thailand, France, England and Wales.
Once my friends here in France heard they became my support system. From visits to my home for a cup of tea and a hug, to inviting me to their homes and to taking me out for drinks and lunches, and just basically welcoming me with open arms into their circle, that I really had only been on the periphery of for years because I wasn't always here.
It made me realise how much we need each other and to be there for each other. That was brought home to me very much this last year.
My beautiful friend Sam who I spoke about in the yoga chapter was one of my biggest strengths along with her partner. Then her beautiful and kind mother who also had welcomed me and comforted me with loving arms and a wise heart became sick, very sick. It was my turn to give back.
It's so true what's been said about helping others taking you out of your own problems. I watched my friend nurse her mother through six horrible months, right to the end and I was privileged to be able to be a support and it was my turn to hold her and let her cry.
This is how deep and meaningful friendships are made. It's not necessarily the fun times, the parties or the socialising, but being there for each other when you are at your lowest, and knowing there is someone's house and arms that you can run to when it all gets too much.
My friends that could not hug me in person sent me messages of love and a 'Hey how are you doing', ‘I’m here for you’ and 'I'm thinking of you'.
One friend offered to hop on a plane from where she lived in Colorado if I needed her. Knowing she absolutely would have done it if I’d asked her to, was all I needed. Plus being there on the end of the phone and hearing me sob and just listening, not offering advice, just listening and being there for me.
It all added up to remind me that I was loved. I needed that reminder too. I'd never really needed my friends like that before. Of course, we need friends when we are young and throughout our lives, but as an adult I'd managed to get to my 50s before realising the priceless value of having friends that love you for exactly who you are, unconditionally.
I don't think I'd ever had that before. The friends I had up to then had mostly been part of the same religion I was in, a very close-knit high-control religion where friendships outside of the faith are highly discouraged and friendships in the faith are conditional on you continuing on that same path, staying in that same club.
So, I learned a very important lesson and one that I will never forget. We need other people. If you are like me and tend to isolate yourself and try and fix everything yourself when times are challenging, when you are at a low point, take my advice and reach out.
It's humbling to realise that we can't do it all on our own, and it really does make life richer.
Another benefit for me is that it has made me even more aware of being there for other people like they were for me. I don't just mean the ones that helped me, I mean everybody.
How long does it take to send a quick text to a sick friend to say we hope they feel better soon? It takes seconds to write a message to that person we know who is going through a hard time, and believe me, it can often change that person’s day from being an endurance test, where your only goal is to make it to bedtime, to a reminder that there are people that love you and care about you, which brightens a day considerably.
I was going to make this chapter about girlfriends, how much we women need other women in our lives but I have a few very special friends who are men and that were my support system too so it seemed very unfair.
Three come to mind that were so wonderful when I was so low. Different messages than my women friends, and one in particular took it upon himself to do his best to make me smile when it was the last thing I wanted to do, with funny jokes and silly memes.
What I've realised is that we need a whole arsenal of friends. We need the one who makes us laugh, we need the one we can cry with, we need the one who will feed us when we are too weak to feed ourselves and we need to be that friend to others.
It's so easy to get caught up in day-to-day life and think that someone else in the group of friends will help so and so, but we can't expect people to be there for us unless we are there for them.
It takes bravery to be a good friend. You have to open your heart and risk being laughed at when you share ideas or forgotten about when they are busy with things that are actually more important than you!
But being brave enough to be a friend and have a friend is one of the ways I got through the hardest year of my life.
Previous Chapter - Feeding the Soul: Nutrition's Role in Healing and Strength
Next Chapter - Small Wins, Big Celebrations: Embracing Every Step of Progress
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I’ve been looking through my book of poetry, the one I wrote that year. I’ve already shared a poem I wrote about the wonderful support system I realised I had, so I thought today I’d just share one I wrote about just trying to hold it all together. The conflicts of what I was feeling, the duality and how I found my strength.
I didn’t realise this was how I felt until one day these words emerged and fell onto the pages of my Moleskine notebook.