How To Know When To Give Up
Does That Day Ever Come? Should It?
I wrote this about a year ago but thought that I’d like to share it here because what I’ve written about is always relevant. In the year since I wrote this, I have filed for divorce which will be final within the next week or two. I am stronger now than I ever thought I could be. I’m glad I gave up and chose myself. I think there will always be a part of me that thinks I could have done more, but I can look at it now in a more balanced way. We both deserve happiness, not just me. Just because I wanted it to be forever doesn’t mean I could force it to be. And I am beyond grateful for the many happy years we had together. It’s quite amazing how much difference a year has made in my thinking and attitude.
This is such a hard thing to decide. How do we know when we have fought enough? How do we decide when to give up and move on? How do we move on and not look back thinking we could have done more?
This is something I am coming to terms with. To fight for my marriage seems like something I should never give up on. To hold on to my best friend no matter what it takes seems like what I should do. There comes a point though when I have to move on for my own sanity. To constantly fight for something can start to kill you inside, mentally and emotionally, when you come to the realisation that you are fighting a losing battle.
I have come to accept that I know in my heart I fought as hard as possible and lost. I fought so hard that I came so very close to losing all dignity and self-respect. Once I realised that I was reduced to begging for love I knew I had to leave. It's devastating to realise how low you can go when you are fighting. I don't mean between each other in this case, I mean trying desperately to cling on to something that wants to go.
My last fight was a letter I wrote. Over the last two years, I had asked nicely, demanded and tried every way I could think of to initiate conversations and find out what was wrong. Why things had changed so dramatically. Why I had gone from being adored and cherished to having to ask for a kiss and beg for a hug. Why we never did anything together anymore when previously we were inseparable.
In the letter I outlined three things that I needed from him. To be shown affection, to be noticed and to come first in his life before his friends. After being married for over 32 years I didn't think that it was much to ask. I asked for honesty in telling me what he wants and I asked for communication.
Over a week later I finally got an answer. It had taken him that long to think about it. That should have been my first red flag. I really wasn't that important anymore. In his letter he said no, he didn't feel as if he could give me what I needed. Wow! I wasn't exactly asking for the moon! All I was asking for were things that I deserved, that as his wife and one-time best friend, were my right. Actually, they were only things that any friend deserves, never mind a wife! But he felt he couldn't give them to me or didn't want to.
So I left. It was supposed to be to give him space. A time on his own to think about what made him happy in life, a time to reflect. Sadly this too was all a lie which I found out a couple of weeks later. When I found out he had betrayed me.
In our last week together before I left to come back to France, he suggested that we write to each other every week and that when we met up again after a few months apart it should be a celebration and we should meet in Madrid or Seville or some other beautiful city. These were all his ideas. It baffles me now as to why he was making these suggestions as at the time he was, unbeknownst to me, already involved with this other woman. Was it to placate me or did he really think he could have it all? Keep me on the back burner for if things didn't work out with his screwing around and partying with drugs and alcohol. "Well I tried it but decided I didn't like it, so I'll go back to my wife now."
I've reflected on the reasons why he was so angry with me when I found out. I think it's because first of all, I showed him up for what he was, a cheating alcoholic drug-taking mid-life crisis husband. Secondly, I ruined his plans. He wanted to try it all out for a bit to see if it suited him, without me knowing. I do believe him when he said that he never wanted me to find out and that he never wanted to hurt me. But he hasn't exactly tried to make up for it since. A couple of sorries in a couple of emails does not mean anything. My mother used to say to me when I was a child that you have to show you are sorry not just say it. Never has this been more apt than now. In no way has he shown he was sorry for what he's done and for me that has been more damaging than anything else. To cheat and lie is terrible but to not try even in some tiny small way to make up for the hurt you have caused takes it to a whole new level.
Today is 26 weeks since I arrived back in France and 24 weeks since I found out. To say it's been the hardest months of my life is an understatement. I've sunk lower than I ever thought it was possible for a human being to sink. I've cried more tears than I thought I ever could and I've felt a pain so deep there is no bottom. I've felt so alone, unwanted, rejected and discarded.
But I have learned so much. Not just practical things like what is under the bonnet of my car and how to pressure clean my patio, but how many real friends I have. I've appreciated my sister like never before and we are closer now than we have ever been. I've found out how important exercise is, something that I never took seriously before but now I go to a yoga class twice a week and make sure to walk in the forest at least twice too, as I've realised how important this is for my mental health as well as for my physical health. I've learned to be more compassionate of others because now I know what it feels like to hit rock bottom and have to drag myself through each day.
I have learned how important self-care is. If I don't care for myself no one else will. So I eat healthily 90% of the time instead of 50% of the time like I did before. I make myself look nice with new clothes, and makeup and make sure my hair looks good. Not in the desperate hope that he or someone else will notice but because I notice. When I look in the mirror I want to like what I see for myself. I buy myself flowers and plants to make my house look nice. I spend time socially with my friends and take the time to visit my family and spend quality time with them.
I am reconnecting with myself. I lost myself for a while. I'm still quite lost but slowly I am finding my way. After rejection and betrayal, it's very hard to love oneself, but I do know now that it is vital. If I don't love myself, my love for others is limited, and I don't want to live the rest of my life not loving.
The Beatles said it all when they said "All you need is love, love is all you need". I am fortunate to have nice things. I have a nice car to drive and a nice house in a beautiful village in the southwest of France. I work from home doing what I love and I travel whenever I want to. However, one thing I have learned in the last six months is that it is all worthless if you don't have love. The love of my daughters, my sister, my friends and my neighbours literally kept me alive. Not my 'stuff' and the nice things I have. It was their love.
So is it time to give up? Yes. I admit defeat. I lost. It's over and finished and broken beyond repair. Because he didn't fight too. He didn't try and fix things. I've realised that I can't always fix things on my own, I need help. One person can't fix a broken relationship. It takes two. Maybe there is more I could have done. Maybe I failed too. But at least I tried my best. At least I went as far as I could before realising that I'd lost. At least I don't look back with regrets thinking I could have saved it.
Now I know I was enough. But he wasn't for me. I needed and deserved more. It's better for me to be alone than to live with someone I am always trying to impress, someone who does not put me first in his life, someone who does not value me. I value myself more than that. I am worth more. This, I have had to learn.
It's been quite a revelation to me to realise that it wasn't the initial betrayal and lies that broke us apart it was his lack of fighting for us that did the biggest damage. That he didn't even try and fix things and that I meant so little to him after all this time. Once I realised that I knew it was time to give up.
I’ve learned so much this last year. I’ve learned how important it is to live in the present and not the past. To let go of what I thought my future would look like and actively create the life I want now, which ultimately determines my future. I still have bad days, and sad days and sometimes I still cry when I hear a certain song. Most of the time though I’m happy and have accepted the changes in my life.
It has sort of come in stages. I think I let go of him as a lover first. That was the first to go and that was before we separated. Then I let go of the idea of him as a husband. I knew that wasn’t going to be anymore. The hardest part has been letting go of my friend. To imagine my future without the possibility of us being friends again one day is something I find almost impossible to do. So I don’t stress about it anymore. I don’t wonder if he will message and I don’t agonise about whether to get in touch. I just live. I count the blessings I have in my life and I don’t fret about what I have lost. It’s taken me a long time to get to this point and it’s taken a lot of hard work. But the peace I feel most days is well worth it. It’s worth any price.
I am who I am now because I loved him and he loved me. It’s that simple.
My mum went through something similar. She and my dad had endured a lot of financial trouble together (instigated by his recklessness) over many years, but started repairing their marriage, going on fun dates etc. together again (this was about 7 years ago now). Then he very suddenly withdrew, within the same year. She too probed and asked questions and even begged for love. One day he cleared out his wardrobe when she was not home, and once he was out of town, he ended their partnership in a coldly written pdf letter attached to an email. 25 years - gone. He could not admit that he had met someone else, though we found out. The way he left my mum, the lack of compassion, and the following financial harm he attempted to commit using the excuse of his lawyer, led to my brother and I cutting contact completely. He couldn't understand why, and played the victim, no matter how many times we explained that accountability was necessary. I didn't reinitiate contact until two years ago - only once I was able to accept, without pity, how broken and incapable of "exiting the delusion" he really was/is.
My mum has become a force to be reckoned with. She has grown into herself so much over the past seven years, I now can't believe they were ever together: my dad the delusional patriarch, my mum the unwavering goddess of her life.
I completely understand. They get angry when you hold them accountable and claim you’re violating a boundary and then try to gaslight it’s your fault. It’s what my blog is about. Mine is on the spectrum and refuses to get help for it but potato, pa-tah-to; I find the distinction of why to be dubious because in the end, it all comes out the same - they will do anything to be ‘right’ versus correct and will refuse to do the right thing as the reality will pierce their veil and all they seek is confirmation bias.