My mum went through something similar. She and my dad had endured a lot of financial trouble together (instigated by his recklessness) over many years, but started repairing their marriage, going on fun dates etc. together again (this was about 7 years ago now). Then he very suddenly withdrew, within the same year. She too probed and asked questions and even begged for love. One day he cleared out his wardrobe when she was not home, and once he was out of town, he ended their partnership in a coldly written pdf letter attached to an email. 25 years - gone. He could not admit that he had met someone else, though we found out. The way he left my mum, the lack of compassion, and the following financial harm he attempted to commit using the excuse of his lawyer, led to my brother and I cutting contact completely. He couldn't understand why, and played the victim, no matter how many times we explained that accountability was necessary. I didn't reinitiate contact until two years ago - only once I was able to accept, without pity, how broken and incapable of "exiting the delusion" he really was/is.
My mum has become a force to be reckoned with. She has grown into herself so much over the past seven years, I now can't believe they were ever together: my dad the delusional patriarch, my mum the unwavering goddess of her life.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I think you hit the nail on the head with ‘lack of accountability and compassion’. That’s wonderful how your mum has found her strength. I’m trying to do that each day too. Sometimes you need something to force you to see how strong you are and what you really want out of life.
Thank you for your reply. I don't want to say it's good to hear stories like this from other people... but it's good to not feel alone. Wishing you all the best on your journey, Georgia.
I completely understand. They get angry when you hold them accountable and claim you’re violating a boundary and then try to gaslight it’s your fault. It’s what my blog is about. Mine is on the spectrum and refuses to get help for it but potato, pa-tah-to; I find the distinction of why to be dubious because in the end, it all comes out the same - they will do anything to be ‘right’ versus correct and will refuse to do the right thing as the reality will pierce their veil and all they seek is confirmation bias.
I left my partner of 30 years 9 months ago, after years of trying to make things work due to his obsessive jealousy and alcohol problems. After moving to my parents house for a week last June and him not even noticing I’d gone! I finally decided to pack my bags and moved out with our Son. I’m still struggling with guilt even though he was verbally and emotionally abusive towards me. I don’t want him to contact me, yet when I don’t hear anything I worry about him on his own or if he will do something stupid. He has pleaded for me to return yet he was never around when I was there, constantly looking for attention elsewhere and his self destructive behaviour. I was the most loyal partner he will find and it’s true what they say that you don’t know what you had until it’s gone. He is now realising that but it’s too late!
Ally I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through and are still dealing with. But you have so much courage! I understand that guilt. I felt the same and being torn between not wanting contact but needing to know he’s ok. After so long together, it’s so very very hard to not know about his life day to day.
Now is the time for you. Time for you to rebuild your life. Please feel free to reach out if you need support. I’m always happy to share what has helped me. Sending you hugs. 🩵🦋💙
Your essay was so heartfelt. It seems to me that you put your heart on the line. You were very honest and that is a huge accomplishment. In Spanish they say: mejor sola que mal acompañada (better alone than with bad company). I am sending you blessings and grace!
Thank you! Yes definitely better alone. I didn’t realise the truth of that until I actually was. It was as if a big weight had been lifted and I could breathe.
Hey Georgia, this is such an amazing and heartfelt piece. While I've never been through a divorce before, I can't imagine how hard it is to lose a friend. I've been in toxic friend groups before and it took me over half a decade to let go of them. I think it was because I always despised change and I didn't want to be alone, when in reality, I needed that experience. I needed to cut the bandaid off and take time for myself to figure out what I want in life and who I am as a person. I'm glad you're taking this time to live in your truth. Thank you for posting this :)
Thank you for your vulnerability and sharing your heart. LIfe is full of choices. Maybe there is no right or wrong way to do it in the end. Maybe it's all about learning, growing, making mistakes, picking ourselves up again. Maybe it's about choosing to love ourselves again, no matter what, no ifs, ands, or buts type love.
I think you are right. It’s all about unconditional love, for ourselves and others. It’s true, there is no wrong or right way to do it. I think it just is.
My mum went through something similar. She and my dad had endured a lot of financial trouble together (instigated by his recklessness) over many years, but started repairing their marriage, going on fun dates etc. together again (this was about 7 years ago now). Then he very suddenly withdrew, within the same year. She too probed and asked questions and even begged for love. One day he cleared out his wardrobe when she was not home, and once he was out of town, he ended their partnership in a coldly written pdf letter attached to an email. 25 years - gone. He could not admit that he had met someone else, though we found out. The way he left my mum, the lack of compassion, and the following financial harm he attempted to commit using the excuse of his lawyer, led to my brother and I cutting contact completely. He couldn't understand why, and played the victim, no matter how many times we explained that accountability was necessary. I didn't reinitiate contact until two years ago - only once I was able to accept, without pity, how broken and incapable of "exiting the delusion" he really was/is.
My mum has become a force to be reckoned with. She has grown into herself so much over the past seven years, I now can't believe they were ever together: my dad the delusional patriarch, my mum the unwavering goddess of her life.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I think you hit the nail on the head with ‘lack of accountability and compassion’. That’s wonderful how your mum has found her strength. I’m trying to do that each day too. Sometimes you need something to force you to see how strong you are and what you really want out of life.
Thank you for your reply. I don't want to say it's good to hear stories like this from other people... but it's good to not feel alone. Wishing you all the best on your journey, Georgia.
I think it makes all the difference when you feel you’re not alone. X
I completely understand. They get angry when you hold them accountable and claim you’re violating a boundary and then try to gaslight it’s your fault. It’s what my blog is about. Mine is on the spectrum and refuses to get help for it but potato, pa-tah-to; I find the distinction of why to be dubious because in the end, it all comes out the same - they will do anything to be ‘right’ versus correct and will refuse to do the right thing as the reality will pierce their veil and all they seek is confirmation bias.
Yes, you’re exactly right. There was no accountability.
I left my partner of 30 years 9 months ago, after years of trying to make things work due to his obsessive jealousy and alcohol problems. After moving to my parents house for a week last June and him not even noticing I’d gone! I finally decided to pack my bags and moved out with our Son. I’m still struggling with guilt even though he was verbally and emotionally abusive towards me. I don’t want him to contact me, yet when I don’t hear anything I worry about him on his own or if he will do something stupid. He has pleaded for me to return yet he was never around when I was there, constantly looking for attention elsewhere and his self destructive behaviour. I was the most loyal partner he will find and it’s true what they say that you don’t know what you had until it’s gone. He is now realising that but it’s too late!
Ally I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through and are still dealing with. But you have so much courage! I understand that guilt. I felt the same and being torn between not wanting contact but needing to know he’s ok. After so long together, it’s so very very hard to not know about his life day to day.
Now is the time for you. Time for you to rebuild your life. Please feel free to reach out if you need support. I’m always happy to share what has helped me. Sending you hugs. 🩵🦋💙
Thank you for your response Georgia 🙏 yes any advice and how you dealt with your own experiences would be very welcome! 🤗
Just sent you a PM :)
Your essay was so heartfelt. It seems to me that you put your heart on the line. You were very honest and that is a huge accomplishment. In Spanish they say: mejor sola que mal acompañada (better alone than with bad company). I am sending you blessings and grace!
Thank you! Yes definitely better alone. I didn’t realise the truth of that until I actually was. It was as if a big weight had been lifted and I could breathe.
Hey Georgia, this is such an amazing and heartfelt piece. While I've never been through a divorce before, I can't imagine how hard it is to lose a friend. I've been in toxic friend groups before and it took me over half a decade to let go of them. I think it was because I always despised change and I didn't want to be alone, when in reality, I needed that experience. I needed to cut the bandaid off and take time for myself to figure out what I want in life and who I am as a person. I'm glad you're taking this time to live in your truth. Thank you for posting this :)
It’s much harder to lose a friend than a husband.
So true Georgia. There’s something special about close friends that you never want to lose.
Thank you for your vulnerability and sharing your heart. LIfe is full of choices. Maybe there is no right or wrong way to do it in the end. Maybe it's all about learning, growing, making mistakes, picking ourselves up again. Maybe it's about choosing to love ourselves again, no matter what, no ifs, ands, or buts type love.
I think you are right. It’s all about unconditional love, for ourselves and others. It’s true, there is no wrong or right way to do it. I think it just is.