This was such a meaningful article. I love your kindness and integrity about how you treated your ex. I’m struggling with that now. I love that last line – “maybe he braved what I could not.” I’m sitting with that. I appreciate you framing this in ambiguous grief. I appreciate your courage in sharing how you came to your decision. We have parallel lives.
I picked him and my girls only get to have one dad. I am so proud of how I acted. And it was scary and sad! I am so happily remarried. And never imagined I would ever marry again. Truth is, I never wanted to divorce again. It was scary and sad. And it was right.
That resonates Barri. That you were proud of how you acted. That was my goal from the start. To get through it all with dignity and grace and not to regret any actions. I can honestly say the same, I’m very proud of who I was in those terrible months when my heart was dashed to pieces. I wanted my girls to see a strong woman and I think they did.
Thank you for sharing this. It hits home hard. I’ve been hit with the “we’re done” declaration after 28 years. Everything I know and possess is wrapped up in something that will soon (?) not exist. Yet we’re still in the same space because of the kids and figuring out (silently) what to do next. That’s the hardest part…the constant visual reminder (her) of what is no longer there (connection).
So beautifully told, Barri. I, too, got the "not happy" declaration a little over four years ago. Your last line "Some days I think, maybe he braved what I could not." really resonates. He also got a fast pass ticket to Happyville with someone else, and while it was devastating, I now see how much fuller my life is now. Thank you for sharing!
I think with a small baby, two kids and being far away from home I could not even see clearly. But I knew I deserved more and better, even if that meant being alone. We met in college and I thought then, this was as good as it could be, could get. Maybe I did not know me or him as we grew. Our needs and desires. I was willing to grow and go through a new door and he was not. He also knew my Mom before she died so there was a bond there. I was not the same woman he married after she died either. There are so many ways to look at it with hindsight. Thank you for reading.
We also met in 1987 in college - we basically grew up together, then apart apparently after 28 years. He endured a job loss a year or so prior, and we moved our entire family from Georgia back to my hometown in Kentucky and opened a coffee shop -- seven months before the pandemic -- six months before the "I'm not happy" speech. He moved out in March of 2020. I ran the coffee shop on my own until I sold it to a non-profit in 2023. (And, yes, there's a 95,000-word memoir about that time in my life.) There's so much we learn from chaos. Here's a piece that I think may resonate if you have time to listen/read ... https://stacysmithrogers.substack.com/p/the-fire-pit-and-the-vine
Thank you GC. Honored. X B
Barri, Thanks for your vulnerability and honesty! We're not alone when we go through this.
Thank you for sharing it.
Why do we board up the door to our freedom and happiness in the name of safety? So glad you were brave enough to try again.
This beautifully describes an experience I know very well....it's so healing to read these words. xo
Thank you.
This was such a meaningful article. I love your kindness and integrity about how you treated your ex. I’m struggling with that now. I love that last line – “maybe he braved what I could not.” I’m sitting with that. I appreciate you framing this in ambiguous grief. I appreciate your courage in sharing how you came to your decision. We have parallel lives.
I picked him and my girls only get to have one dad. I am so proud of how I acted. And it was scary and sad! I am so happily remarried. And never imagined I would ever marry again. Truth is, I never wanted to divorce again. It was scary and sad. And it was right.
That resonates Barri. That you were proud of how you acted. That was my goal from the start. To get through it all with dignity and grace and not to regret any actions. I can honestly say the same, I’m very proud of who I was in those terrible months when my heart was dashed to pieces. I wanted my girls to see a strong woman and I think they did.
🤍🤍🤍
Thank you for sharing this. It hits home hard. I’ve been hit with the “we’re done” declaration after 28 years. Everything I know and possess is wrapped up in something that will soon (?) not exist. Yet we’re still in the same space because of the kids and figuring out (silently) what to do next. That’s the hardest part…the constant visual reminder (her) of what is no longer there (connection).
Oh that’s so hard Nate. I feel for you. As impossible as it seems you will get through this. Sending you a big hug. 💕
Barri, thank you so much for sharing your experiences. It gives me a good perspective of how my ex husband might have felt
So beautifully told, Barri. I, too, got the "not happy" declaration a little over four years ago. Your last line "Some days I think, maybe he braved what I could not." really resonates. He also got a fast pass ticket to Happyville with someone else, and while it was devastating, I now see how much fuller my life is now. Thank you for sharing!
I think with a small baby, two kids and being far away from home I could not even see clearly. But I knew I deserved more and better, even if that meant being alone. We met in college and I thought then, this was as good as it could be, could get. Maybe I did not know me or him as we grew. Our needs and desires. I was willing to grow and go through a new door and he was not. He also knew my Mom before she died so there was a bond there. I was not the same woman he married after she died either. There are so many ways to look at it with hindsight. Thank you for reading.
We also met in 1987 in college - we basically grew up together, then apart apparently after 28 years. He endured a job loss a year or so prior, and we moved our entire family from Georgia back to my hometown in Kentucky and opened a coffee shop -- seven months before the pandemic -- six months before the "I'm not happy" speech. He moved out in March of 2020. I ran the coffee shop on my own until I sold it to a non-profit in 2023. (And, yes, there's a 95,000-word memoir about that time in my life.) There's so much we learn from chaos. Here's a piece that I think may resonate if you have time to listen/read ... https://stacysmithrogers.substack.com/p/the-fire-pit-and-the-vine
Beautifully written. xx
Such honest beautiful writing. Thank you for sharing this part of your story. I’m happy you’re happy now.