The Synergy Game - A Journey From Death to Life
Introduction
This is my book The Synergy Game. I am serialising it here a chapter a week. Each chapter will be available for everyone to read because, after all, that’s why I’ve written it, to help others, to share what has helped me to rebuild my life. I will be adding extra insights, sharing my poetry and adding audio to a section below for paying members.
Introduction - The Synergy Game
What do you do when you feel like you don't want to live, when you have lost everything that you lived for, when you can't seem to find even the smallest sliver of joy? When the days are endless and grey, and you can barely summon up the energy or the inclination to get out of bed.
When you feel so lost you don't think you will ever be able to find yourself ever again.
You stop.
You remember.
You dig deeper than you ever thought you could.
You find a reason. There is always one, if you look hard enough.
There was a distant thought in the back of my mind, so distant that I could barely hear it. But it said What If? What If I gave up and I missed out on being happy again? What If I could have a future?
Even though I didn't see how or if that could happen, there was the nagging feeling in those far away corners of my mind, that had that little thought.
What If?
What If I could survive this?
That little thought became a constant drone in my head. I'd survived before, nothing as huge as this, but maybe I could. I gave myself a few more days to wallow, un-showered, hiding at home between my bed and the sofa, not caring if I ate or not, drank or not.
I decided that Monday I would rise again. Monday would be my day where I gave living another shot.
Monday came around and I got showered and made myself a list (I'm a big fan of lists!).
Shower, get dressed, drink tea, write, meditate, eat, walk in the forest.
Each time I did something on my list, I'd cross it off feeling quite a sense of accomplishment.
I did this every day for weeks and weeks, adding more things to the list as I got stronger.
So many things helped me to survive the worst year of my life, the year my marriage to my best friend and soulmate broke up, the year I never would have imagined I would be able to survive.
This book is a compilation of all those things, how I did them, how they helped, and what I still use now.
I learned so much that year. I learned who I was, deep down, discovering myself for the first time in my life. I learned that I was a lot stronger than I ever imagined I could be. I learned what I absolutely needed in my life and what I could live without, not what I thought it would be.
You see, we think we know ourselves but until we have been brought to rock bottom, have been through something that devastates us, and must decide whether we want to give up completely or rise from the ashes, we are just coasting through life.
It may be a good life, a relatively happy life, but deep down do we really know ourselves? I found out that I didn't.
I had spent most of my life making sure I made other people happy. I thought that was how to make myself happy. But when I lost the only constant and steady thing in my life, I was adrift and at sea without direction or purpose.
I didn’t know which way to turn or what to do. I had a panicky feeling that I had never felt before and thankfully never have since. The worst thing I could ever imagine happening had happened and I could barely breathe never mind think. But at the back of my mind were those two words – what if.
I realised that if I could survive this, maybe I could help others to do the same, to survive what seems impossible, to survive what you are not even sure you want to survive.
I've come through this with so much determination to rebuild my life even better than it was before and I want to share my journey with you.
I realised in the middle of it all how much comfort I got from other people’s words. Just to feel that there was someone out there who understood made a huge difference.
That's why I'm writing this book.
In the times that we feel most alone, we need to know that we are heard, understood, and supported.
It makes all the difference.
What I found is that when you have sunk even further than rock bottom and when the light at the end of the tunnel is not there, it’s the little things that matter, that make the difference. Lots of little things all put together.
That’s what gets you through.
This is how I did it.
Next Chapter - Writing to Heal: Scribbling My Way to Sanity
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This next section is for paying members only. In it, I’m sharing some poetry I wrote in the weeks following our separation and some further personal insights, feelings, and musings. There is also an audio reading of the chapter.
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